Sexuality, Pt. 1: Living in the Pursuit

Part II // Part III // Part IV // Part V
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Nothing quite encapsulates American culture like Thomas Jefferson's apropos "pursuit of happiness" clause in the Declaration of Independence.  Such commentary was as much prophetic as it was revolutionary, because the modern-day American still lives in the pursuit -- the thrill of the chase -- perhaps more now than ever before.  His choice of words was as applicable to the sentiments of the American revolution as it is to modern concepts of individuality.

For some, the pursuit of happiness is the noble ambition of chasing one's dreams and refusing to be daunted by opposition.  However, a more shrewd -- if perhaps cynical -- perspective is that the life lived in pursuit is one of continual dissatisfaction.  Pat Monahan expressed it perhaps the most succinctly in Train's "Calling all Angels," that we live in a world where "what we want is only what we want until it's ours."  Truly, that is where we live as Americans: in the pursuit, as opposed the attainment.

It's as much inspirational as it is self-defeating.

That sense of eternal questing is what makes The Great Gatsby such a profoundly American novel.  Even in the face of utter hopelessness, even in his awareness of utter failure, Jay Gatsby's aspiration to regain Daisy Buchanan's love would not be damned.  He was shackled to his quest.  That selfsame willingness to beat on against the overwhelming current -- just a little more, just for one more day -- is the very definition of American rationality.  We are as much enthralled by the perpetual uphill journey as we are cursed to climb.  And keep climbing.

Culturally, one of the biggest ways we live in the pursuit is with our relationships -- not unlike Gatsby himself.  We do this by making a god out of human intimacy while simultaneously convincing ourselves of love's impossible rarity.  "A good man is just so hard to fine."  "A broad who won't treat you bad is one in a million."  This is the theme of every romantic comedy: all men (or women) are scum, and the central characters have been hurt far too much in the past to make another try at dating worthwhile.  But then they happen to meet by a chance encounter and somehow accept one another despite each's considerable emotional baggage.  We watch a movie with an impossibly perfect ending like that and come away reminding ourselves to stay skeptical, because in real life that never happens.  No -- of course it never really happens that way.  People aren't perfect, and forgiveness is harder than the silver screen can testify.  Yet, we choose to dangle the carrot of a perfect relationship in front of ourselves anyway, and continue to seek the Mr. or Mrs. Right who will be our mystical diamond in the rough.  All of this together is how we live in the pursuit: we glorify the romantic relationship by convincing ourselves it is virtually unobtainable, yet continue to crave it like oxygen.  All the while, we train ourselves to become so distrustful of genuine love that when a significant other finally does come along, we're already fortified against the inevitable breakup.

Because we live in the pursuit, even when we finally find ourselves in the relationships we dreamed about we are still unsatisfied.

Now, add to the equation the tremendous emphasis we place on spirituality in the modern age.  We're supposed to "discover ourselves" and define our own identities, encourage self-expression, and value love, peace, and mutual understanding across all cultures.  Lennon and McCartney's "all you need is love" mentality was not just the moniker of the 60's: it is still perhaps the single most driving philosophy of human society.  In that regard, the fact that we more often than not make "sex" synonymous with "love" means that we elevate the value of interpersonal intimacy to an absurdly unhealthy level -- as though the entire point of existing on this planet is to pursue that special person with whom I might possibly be compatible.  If that's my mode of thinking, then copulation can only be the ultimate fulfillment of interpersonal relationships.  Therefore it shouldn't be wrong for me to engage in sex with anyone and everyone if there is an emotional, uplifting connection between us.

That's the type of New Age logic that gets convoluted very quickly.

To most young people, sexuality is a natural expression of love and identity.  Often, it's a statement of commitment that doesn't require the archaic necessity of legal marriage.  Commitment to the current generation looks like, "I love my girlfriend/boyfriend, so therefore I should demonstrate to her/him how much."  On the other hand, there are plenty of young people who view sex as nothing more than a pastime -- something that is purely physical, purely recreational.  Something that doesn't require any lingering emotional connection or commitment or potential heartbreak of any sort.  All that is at stake here is personal gratification: pleasure that is exciting, new, and completely complication-free.  We live in pursuit of it because there is something forbidden and elusive about it -- something raunchy and exciting that we know, deep down, we morally shouldn't have.

Either expression of sexuality is contrary to the Bible.  The wanton pursuit of sexual pleasure in any means available is what Paul describes as making a god of the belly -- that is, our heart or our desires (Phil 3.19).  This type of person finds him- or herself unable to worship anything but personal gratification.  Even the person who engages in sex with his or her significant other only at the point of mutual commitment is still ignoring the biblical framework that God established for mankind.

So, all that to say this.  We have a cultural problem.  As Americans, we don't know any other way but to live in the pursuit.  In so doing, we mislabel love, make gods of sex and emotion, and ultimately use other people as replaceable instruments to gratify our own desires.  Paradoxically, we idolize sex at the same time we cheapen it.

However, this post is not intended to address the "hedonistic masses" in a fruitless attempt to spur social change.  The generation that engages in promiscuity to its furthest extents doesn't need to modify its behavior: they need to understand the person of Jesus.  Otherwise, they're just taking a bath before they take a shower.  The point of this post is to address the fact that our culture's sexual practices are tainting that of the church.

I know this firsthand: my own dating history was a series of sexual and emotional failures, despite the Christian upbringing I was given.  God may have graciously used those experiences to bring me to the wonderful, godly, and understanding woman whom I am now blessed to call my wife, but that doesn't mean that the entirety of the church should learn via trial and error.  We don't all have to learn through mistakes.  While I certainly wouldn't claim myself to be an authority on this subject, I do have experience in the area -- both good and bad -- and I know how alluring sexual temptation can be.  Furthermore, it would be foolish to presume that anyone in modern America has not in some way been influenced by what the world and the media believe human sexuality should look like.

Whether or not we admit it, media informs the opinions of the masses.
Especially when it comes to sexuality, American culture allows itself
to be led around by the nose.

I'm leery of older generations' sentiment that the moral temperature of the world is much worse today than it ever has been.  While I won't disagree that the world is spinning on to its inevitable conclusion, I do think it is safe to say that we are simply more aware of the world's condition than we ever have been in the past, thanks to our saturation in media, news, and the internet -- truthful, manipulative, or otherwise.  Regardless, morality isn't any worse today: it's always been worse.  However, I will absolutely agree (thanks largely to the sexual revolution of the 1960's) that there is no more sacredness when it comes to sexuality.  Sex is cheap when it is the temperature gauge of our relationships, and when it is the ad man's best friend.  When we live constantly in the pursuit of bigger, better, and hotter sex -- when we follow Cosmo and make sex the penultimate standard of human interaction -- we cheapen it to nothing but a thrill, a carnival ride with a maddeningly addictive quality.  Ultimately, we make ourselves into slaves who don't quite realize the destruction our chosen taskmaster can wreak.

So where do we begin?

For starters, we need to change our thinking.  If sex is no longer sacred, then we need to restore its value.  We need to return to a biblical understanding that human sexuality is a beautiful, wonderful, fulfilling gift from God with a joyful and perfectly-structured application in the marriage bed.  We also need to forgo the mindset that sex is something dirty and forbidden, and stop allowing that sense of perverseness to ensnare our carnal passions.  Though our culture has paradoxically diminished the value of sex while simultaneously making it an idol of emotional comfort, we need to keep that perspective from tainting our biblical understanding of the purpose and the joy God intended for sexuality when He designed it.

It is often the case that -- being products of the environment in which we live -- we attempt to make the Bible fit with the worldview we prefer.  We try to make room for our lusts and cravings and think that we are still somehow capable of living for Christ without fully putting to death the flesh.  It is for that reason that I'm going to be writing a series of posts pertaining to sexuality and Christian relationships.  Hopefully none of them will be exceptionally lengthy pieces.  However, the sexual and emotional brokenness that exists in our culture has a much stronger influence on the church than many Christians would like to admit, and I believe that problem needs to be addressed.

Sexual expression is intensely personal.  There is so much shame associated with it -- some earned, some undeserved.  Naturally, people are bound to be offended by someone else's opinion.  I can't promise not to step on any toes during this discussion, though I will be as tactful and as respectful as possible.  However, keep in mind that the Scripture doesn't deal in opinions.  In fact, it uproots them at their foundations (2 Cor 10.5).

His statutes endure through all generations.