As I've visualized it here, this definition of love generates from the realization that most misrepresentations we hear are not truly wrong, but rather reduced -- not completely off the mark, but improperly emphasized. For example, one common perspective on love is that it is a feeling of attraction between two people, involving commitment, warmth, and kind intent. This isn't wrong. It's just missing something. However, the typical Christian reaction against this definition of love is binary, over-emphasizing elements of choice and insisting that love is not what you feel but is rather a committed act of the will. Again, not wrong, but reductionistic -- missing something.
What I've tried to demonstrate with the above diagram is that there are multiple, vital facets to love that are interdependent. Love is not a simple see-saw between action and feeling. It is a more complex and nuanced thing. What I propose is that truly genuine, truly biblical love cannot be reduced from three distinct but closely related things: Heart, Action, and Will.
Will and Heart are challenging to differentiate from one another, and I'm reminded that only the Word of God is able to decipher such infinitesimal differences between soul and spirit (Heb 4.12). The Bible often uses the word "heart" to refer to the core, inmost being, and I'm not attempting to cut against that clear synecdoche or create confusion. However, what I'm seeking to distinguish here is the difference between our felt wants ("Heart") and understood values ("Will"). In this definition, Heart is visceral, psychological, and physiological; Will is what is felt and known at the level of beliefs that define our identity.
For example, I value my health and my body, and I know I should exercise to stay in shape, but I don't particularly feel like it. Such a breakdown results from a conflict between what I feel ("Heart") and what I value ("Will"), and ultimately results in a lack of Action, the third component of Genuine Love. Action is the distinct, external evidence of what is felt and understood within. It is the obedience of body, heart, and mind to the unity of felt wants/needs and internal values. In the exercising example I've used, the object of love is the self: if I truly value my own health and well-being, and know that maintaining them is important, I will take action despite the disconnect of my heart, and in so doing seek to bring my feelings properly in line with my values. In so doing, I express genuine love for myself by taking care of my body -- in some ways, despite what I feel.
All three of these components -- Heart, Will, and Action -- together make love genuine, full of integrity and wholeheartedness. Because Romans 12.9 teaches that our love must be “genuine,” that is the operative word that I'm using. Genuine love means Christians can't camp in any of the off-center cross-sections of Sentimentalism, Obligation, or Idealism. We must gravitate toward the middle of the diagram, where all three elements of love are represented.
Let me unpack these ideas a little more, addressing each cross-section one at a time.
I can anticipate some objections to this model of love. To some degree, it is impossible to hit the "bulls-eye" of genuine love, because we are sinners and we live in a fallen world. Certainly knowing the grace and love of God empowers us to rise above these limitations, but we know the challenges. To properly apply this model, we must understand that the three components of genuine love are not equally represented in each scenario -- in other words, in order to genuinely love a given individual, it might not mean 33.3% Action invested alongside 33.3% Will and 33.3% Heart. For certain family members, more exertion of Will might be necessary than for others. For people I don't really know, a greater emphasis on Action or Heart might be pertinent. Different people and different scenarios require different responses, but all three elements must be present and involved, compensating for deficiencies in any area.
Further, there is a centripetal force exerted by these three elements in that they serve to police one another. Genuine love is best expressed when all three components of Heart, Will, and Action are in perfect harmony, but there are times when I am still genuinely loving someone when I do what I know to be right even if I don't feel like it. Provided that I'm not content with the condition of my heart in that instance, but am seeking to bring my feelings in line with my actions and my values, I can still honor the Lord and serve others with that effort. Typically, the problem is that I am far too self-motivated and need to surrender one felt need/want in order to replace it with the genuine need/want on behalf of another.
In some scenarios -- say, a teenager striving to love his parents by obeying them -- the tendency might be inclined toward Duty and Obligation. However, the conscious application of Will and Action serves to incorporate the Heart even if it does not come naturally. Often, doing what we know to be the right thing even when we don't want to ultimately produces a sense of satisfaction after the fact, which goes a long way toward replicating that response in the future. A rocky marriage often becomes a pendulum of Sentimentalism, oscillating between strong feelings of affection and strong feelings of fury, because the marriage has no backbone of Will to anchor it. Striving to incorporate what each spouse knows to be right, and valuing the needs of one another over self-interest will begin to incorporate the grounding element of Will to move that marriage toward more genuine expressions of love and out of feelings-based action. Sentimentalism, Idealism, and Duty are only problematic if they become our templates for love instead of our starting points toward the real thing. They must transition if we are to love genuinely.
But what about the nature of relationships? Am I obligated to love everyone in this manner, incorporating Heart, Will, and Action in every relationship? How far should I go for the sake of people I don't know? It's important to consider our circles of influence when we think about investing -- who is within my circle of influence, and who is outside my circle of influence? Some people we have greater responsibility to love because they are in close proximity to us. However, in any given interaction, Christians should be able to evaluate the output of Action against the input of Will and the driving fuel of Heart. I should be able to slow down and ask of myself, "Am I truly loving this individual? What do my actions say? What do I feel toward him/her? How am I engaging what I know to be right and true?" Even in minute interactions with strangers, there is great potential for us to exude a genuinely loving spirit by preferring others. The crucial component, however, is theological. If I'm striving to love Jesus every day, every minute, and every hour, I am actively seeking to align my Heart, Will, and Action into serving Him. Properly understood and applied, this puts me in the proper frame of mind and spirit to invest in others at the appropriate level.
What about the extremes? What about the cases of abuse? The instances of betrayal? Romans 12 anticipates this, because it includes in its conversation about genuine love those who persecute us (Rom 12.13), and those whose actions against us might give us cause to seek vengeance (Rom 12.19). While the specific expressions of Action and types of feelings in our Hearts may vary, the values of our Will remain the same, because they are grounded in the Scripture. Certainly there is room for caution, protection, and discretion in these types of scenarios. Sometimes loving an individual who has harmed us means showing mercy, if not grace; sometimes it means using the full expression of law to assist an individual in understanding the damage he or she has caused, and preventing him or her from harming others. Either way, my Heart, Actions, and Will toward that person factor in the reality of harm done as well as the sacrificial, exemplary, and effective actions of our Savior on our behalf. In loving these individuals, we surrender the consequences to the Lord, our Vindicator and Defender, and do what we know to be right.
This is hard. How do I make change in my heart happen? Can I truly change what I feel? This by itself is the subject for an entire book. However, it is an important consideration for this topic. We'd all acknowledge that our feelings change, but we'd perhaps differ on what actually affects the change. Is it circumstances? Relationships? Godly influence? Is it simply time? While our Heart is arguably the single hardest area of love to truly impact, I'd argue that Romans 12 gives us the necessary steps. Counter-intuitively, we change not by addressing the level of feeling, but rather the level of value -- we must choose to love and uphold what is good, but hate and ostracize what (not who!) is evil (Rom 12.9). A failure to love manifests in different ways, but is ultimately related to poor values. If we seek godly values -- begun by studying the Word (see Psalm 119.9) and removing sinful influences, replacing them with good influences (Rom 13.12) -- this gradually changes what I feel and begins the process of aligning those feelings with what I know to be biblically right and true.
The expression of genuine love is a learned experience. For the Christian, it is not a voyage of self-discovery in relation to other human beings, but rather being in receipt of Christ's genuine love for us. Remember, Paul is making this appeal to love others "by the mercies of God" (Rom 12.1). In other words, he beseeches the believers in Rome, "Because you have personally experienced and understand the incredible mercies of God toward you, you must therefore respond in love for others." As Christians who know God's grace, we are living out toward others the very things we learned from God’s mercies toward us. If we believe in the love of God, we must be wholeheartedly loving toward others. Truly genuine, truly biblical love is the proper alignment of the feelings of my Heart with the values of my Will, expressed appropriately in Action. Each of these three elements is necessary, not optional. No other lesser expression of love quite adheres to the appeal in Roman 12.
Let me unpack these ideas a little more, addressing each cross-section one at a time.
Genuine love, the central element, cannot be reduced to what I've termed Sentimentalism. That's what happens when our love only involves Heart and Action, without the commitment, sacrifice, and value of our Will. In other words, because dating, romance, and friendship all inspire strong emotions, there is a natural tendency to act according to those emotions, with or without the assent of our deeper values. Furthermore, those emotions are what we truly feel, so they have a ring of legitimacy, and the actions that flow from them feel natural. Loving others because we feel strongly isn’t wrong, but the Bible communicates that the true test of love is how we treat those for whom we don't have strong feelings, or those whose actions toward us cause strong feelings opposite of affection. And what about when the person for whom we have strong affections doesn't reciprocate? What happens when the emotions that I feel are strong irritation or even hatred? Genuine love responds differently in these scenarios than mere Sentimentalism does, because the third element of Will serves to keep our Hearts and our Actions from simply following the path of least resistance. This is because love is not less than feeling something, but is so much more than merely feeling something. Therefore, truly genuine love requires dedication beyond simply what we feel ("Heart") and what we do ("Action") as a result of those feelings.
Genuine love also cannot be reduced to mere duty or Obligation. I'm stealing this analogy from John Piper, but if I come home from work on a given night with flowers for my wife Tara, she would really appreciate that small act of thoughtful kindness. However, if I give them to her begrudgingly, and make it clear that I'm only doing it because my husbandly duty means I HAVE to show her affection, is she still likely to appreciate the gesture? This is the problem with the D.C. Talk theology of love: if love is truly just "a verb," it lacks the key component of "Heart," the emotional component that makes the Action of love truly genuine. The problem most Christians encounter, reacting to the Sentimentalism of the world, is that their duty-based love is not truly genuine either. Action alone is not proof of genuine love. Genuine love requires input from the necessary component of Heart.
Lastly, genuine love cannot be reduced to Idealism, a love that incorporates Heart and Will, but lacks Action. The greatest example of this is the "thoughts and prayers" epidemic on social media, often lambasted as a heartless, meaningless, and -- in some ways -- harmful. To many, it's an expression of false care in the face of tragedy. To be fair, expressing heartfelt sorrow to another who is hurting is an external act, and it is done in obedience to Romans 12.15, which commands us to weep alongside those who weep. But truly genuine love also incorporates 1 John 3.18, which means that our love for others goes beyond just verbal expression to include real, immediate Action. Good intentions alone do not verify Idealism as genuine love. Why? Because a necessary component of genuine love necessarily is Action.
Genuine love also cannot be reduced to mere duty or Obligation. I'm stealing this analogy from John Piper, but if I come home from work on a given night with flowers for my wife Tara, she would really appreciate that small act of thoughtful kindness. However, if I give them to her begrudgingly, and make it clear that I'm only doing it because my husbandly duty means I HAVE to show her affection, is she still likely to appreciate the gesture? This is the problem with the D.C. Talk theology of love: if love is truly just "a verb," it lacks the key component of "Heart," the emotional component that makes the Action of love truly genuine. The problem most Christians encounter, reacting to the Sentimentalism of the world, is that their duty-based love is not truly genuine either. Action alone is not proof of genuine love. Genuine love requires input from the necessary component of Heart.
Lastly, genuine love cannot be reduced to Idealism, a love that incorporates Heart and Will, but lacks Action. The greatest example of this is the "thoughts and prayers" epidemic on social media, often lambasted as a heartless, meaningless, and -- in some ways -- harmful. To many, it's an expression of false care in the face of tragedy. To be fair, expressing heartfelt sorrow to another who is hurting is an external act, and it is done in obedience to Romans 12.15, which commands us to weep alongside those who weep. But truly genuine love also incorporates 1 John 3.18, which means that our love for others goes beyond just verbal expression to include real, immediate Action. Good intentions alone do not verify Idealism as genuine love. Why? Because a necessary component of genuine love necessarily is Action.
I can anticipate some objections to this model of love. To some degree, it is impossible to hit the "bulls-eye" of genuine love, because we are sinners and we live in a fallen world. Certainly knowing the grace and love of God empowers us to rise above these limitations, but we know the challenges. To properly apply this model, we must understand that the three components of genuine love are not equally represented in each scenario -- in other words, in order to genuinely love a given individual, it might not mean 33.3% Action invested alongside 33.3% Will and 33.3% Heart. For certain family members, more exertion of Will might be necessary than for others. For people I don't really know, a greater emphasis on Action or Heart might be pertinent. Different people and different scenarios require different responses, but all three elements must be present and involved, compensating for deficiencies in any area.
Further, there is a centripetal force exerted by these three elements in that they serve to police one another. Genuine love is best expressed when all three components of Heart, Will, and Action are in perfect harmony, but there are times when I am still genuinely loving someone when I do what I know to be right even if I don't feel like it. Provided that I'm not content with the condition of my heart in that instance, but am seeking to bring my feelings in line with my actions and my values, I can still honor the Lord and serve others with that effort. Typically, the problem is that I am far too self-motivated and need to surrender one felt need/want in order to replace it with the genuine need/want on behalf of another.
In some scenarios -- say, a teenager striving to love his parents by obeying them -- the tendency might be inclined toward Duty and Obligation. However, the conscious application of Will and Action serves to incorporate the Heart even if it does not come naturally. Often, doing what we know to be the right thing even when we don't want to ultimately produces a sense of satisfaction after the fact, which goes a long way toward replicating that response in the future. A rocky marriage often becomes a pendulum of Sentimentalism, oscillating between strong feelings of affection and strong feelings of fury, because the marriage has no backbone of Will to anchor it. Striving to incorporate what each spouse knows to be right, and valuing the needs of one another over self-interest will begin to incorporate the grounding element of Will to move that marriage toward more genuine expressions of love and out of feelings-based action. Sentimentalism, Idealism, and Duty are only problematic if they become our templates for love instead of our starting points toward the real thing. They must transition if we are to love genuinely.
But what about the nature of relationships? Am I obligated to love everyone in this manner, incorporating Heart, Will, and Action in every relationship? How far should I go for the sake of people I don't know? It's important to consider our circles of influence when we think about investing -- who is within my circle of influence, and who is outside my circle of influence? Some people we have greater responsibility to love because they are in close proximity to us. However, in any given interaction, Christians should be able to evaluate the output of Action against the input of Will and the driving fuel of Heart. I should be able to slow down and ask of myself, "Am I truly loving this individual? What do my actions say? What do I feel toward him/her? How am I engaging what I know to be right and true?" Even in minute interactions with strangers, there is great potential for us to exude a genuinely loving spirit by preferring others. The crucial component, however, is theological. If I'm striving to love Jesus every day, every minute, and every hour, I am actively seeking to align my Heart, Will, and Action into serving Him. Properly understood and applied, this puts me in the proper frame of mind and spirit to invest in others at the appropriate level.
What about the extremes? What about the cases of abuse? The instances of betrayal? Romans 12 anticipates this, because it includes in its conversation about genuine love those who persecute us (Rom 12.13), and those whose actions against us might give us cause to seek vengeance (Rom 12.19). While the specific expressions of Action and types of feelings in our Hearts may vary, the values of our Will remain the same, because they are grounded in the Scripture. Certainly there is room for caution, protection, and discretion in these types of scenarios. Sometimes loving an individual who has harmed us means showing mercy, if not grace; sometimes it means using the full expression of law to assist an individual in understanding the damage he or she has caused, and preventing him or her from harming others. Either way, my Heart, Actions, and Will toward that person factor in the reality of harm done as well as the sacrificial, exemplary, and effective actions of our Savior on our behalf. In loving these individuals, we surrender the consequences to the Lord, our Vindicator and Defender, and do what we know to be right.
This is hard. How do I make change in my heart happen? Can I truly change what I feel? This by itself is the subject for an entire book. However, it is an important consideration for this topic. We'd all acknowledge that our feelings change, but we'd perhaps differ on what actually affects the change. Is it circumstances? Relationships? Godly influence? Is it simply time? While our Heart is arguably the single hardest area of love to truly impact, I'd argue that Romans 12 gives us the necessary steps. Counter-intuitively, we change not by addressing the level of feeling, but rather the level of value -- we must choose to love and uphold what is good, but hate and ostracize what (not who!) is evil (Rom 12.9). A failure to love manifests in different ways, but is ultimately related to poor values. If we seek godly values -- begun by studying the Word (see Psalm 119.9) and removing sinful influences, replacing them with good influences (Rom 13.12) -- this gradually changes what I feel and begins the process of aligning those feelings with what I know to be biblically right and true.
The expression of genuine love is a learned experience. For the Christian, it is not a voyage of self-discovery in relation to other human beings, but rather being in receipt of Christ's genuine love for us. Remember, Paul is making this appeal to love others "by the mercies of God" (Rom 12.1). In other words, he beseeches the believers in Rome, "Because you have personally experienced and understand the incredible mercies of God toward you, you must therefore respond in love for others." As Christians who know God's grace, we are living out toward others the very things we learned from God’s mercies toward us. If we believe in the love of God, we must be wholeheartedly loving toward others. Truly genuine, truly biblical love is the proper alignment of the feelings of my Heart with the values of my Will, expressed appropriately in Action. Each of these three elements is necessary, not optional. No other lesser expression of love quite adheres to the appeal in Roman 12.