Something that still hits me hard is the knowledge that I've committed my most egregious acts of rebellion against God after my salvation.
Maybe some of you know the experience. It's the "I should know better" conviction; the "How did I fall for that?" dilemma. As a Christian -- with the power, love, mercy, grace, and person of Jesus Christ altogether at my immediate disposal -- how in the world did I succumb to
that?
Shouldn't I be stronger than that?
This is probably a phenomenon most common with individuals like myself who grew up in Christian homes. Maybe God got ahold of your heart as a small child, or maybe He opened your eyes to the stale, checklist faith you were living during your early teenage years (as He did me). But maybe in your college years you sacrificed your virginity for a relationship that you thought was "the one." Maybe you've hated another person so severely for something he/she did to you that you've even attempted to physically or psychologically harm that individual. Maybe, like Peter, you've denied the name of Jesus Christ for the sake of your reputation. Or maybe you suddenly found yourself in the midst of an extra-marital affair and couldn't even begin to untangle the strands of lies and justification you'd spun to cover your tracks.
Whatever your story, you know the power of guilt and shame and how they needle and accuse and undermine. These are tools of Satan --
the Accuser. They are fleshly emotions designed to force us into self-deception, causing us to doubt our status as once-and-for-all redeemed children of an all-loving God.
Conviction, on the other hand, is the influence of the Spirit. Conviction is motivating. It says, "I deliberately violated God's command. I must confess this and make it right, NOW."
To feel guilty is to merely desire the restoration of my sense of moral rightness.
To feel shame is the inflated perception of my sin as it pertains to my character -- in other words, the haunting, prideful notion that others would discredit me if they only knew some of the decisions I've made.
To feel
conviction is to dust myself off and say, "God still loves me and can use me, even though I still fail Him. His grace still covers me. In His power, let me make this right."
The progression of temptation is incredibly sneaky and requires a whole post to itself. For the sake of this particular conversation, I simply want to discuss the unfortunate reality that Christians are susceptible to committing terrible sins -- that is, if they aren't careful to live in constant spiritual vigilance, daily crucifying the flesh for the sake of pursuing Christ. To live in such a manner must be an intentional choice on the part of the believer, a choice to replace sinful desires with the overwhelming love and knowledge and surpassing worth of Jesus Christ. I discussed this topic a little more fully
here.
There are people who have incredibly compelling testimonies of the ways in which they squandered their years on pleasure and revelry, only to be seized by the grace of God and make an astonishing 180 degree turn. It's easy to forgive and forget sins in your past that you committed prior to knowing Christ. So if you're like me and you've had to walk through painful but liberating repentance for sins you've committed as a Christian, here are a couple things to remember and be encouraged by --especially if you wrestle with a nagging sense of spiritual inadequacy.
God forgives completely
Though I've violated His commands and spat in the face of His unmerited grace, if I've walked through repentance and come out on the other side worshiping Him anew for His great love and mercy, then I have absolutely no need to carry a sense of guilt. There is no annual grace quota that I can somehow use up and then need to order a refill. To the contrary, I can have complete and utter confidence in the steadfast character of the Lord's enduring mercy. He delights when one of His children repents and returns to Him.
Godly sorrow leads to repentance (
2 Cor 7.10), and it is always good to remember with deep gratitude the ways that God has repeatedly shown us grace and mercy despite our failures. Guilt has no place in that equation: as a child of God, I am redeemed and I am forgiven.
For the sake of clarity, in no way am I implying that it's okay when we sin. It's not. We can't be flippant about our shortcomings and so devalue God's costly grace. May it never be that we continue sinning carelessly because, in our arrogance, we assume God's grace will cover it (
Rom 6.1-2). The point is that, just as a loving father compassionately corrects his children when they make mistakes, so a loving and holy God does the same for His beloved.
For the sake of additional clarity, continuing in sin is not merely "making mistakes" that I can ignore, so long as I'm "trying" not to do them. This falls into the same category of presuming upon God's grace. I can't justify a pattern of sin in my life by saying, "Oh, I'm forgiven for that," without taking the necessary steps of repentance. This too is devaluing the precious gift of grace.
God forgives completely -- there is no sin to big to be covered if we repent and surrender. And if we repent and surrender, we are restored to His good favor. The process is difficult and uncomfortable, and sinful choices often bring lasting consequences, but our God's forgiveness is healing and sustaining.
God chooses to use you, He doesn't need you
This might not seem encouraging at first glance, but it works wonders in humility for me: God does not
need me to fulfill a given task or run a specific ministry. His plan is not dependent upon me. A mistake of mine is not enough to waylay His divine objectives. This notion is encouraging because it removes the expectations we cast upon ourselves to be successful, productive, and even perfect Christians.
Granted, there are ways that I can and should measure whether or not the ministry I'm doing is effective, but when I recognize that I am merely a tool in the hands of a master craftsman, suddenly I don't need to lose sleep over my operative schedule or my lesson plan or my ministry model. I can rest assured -- if I've put in the time to prepare and study and have surrendered the results to the one who truly gives the increase (
1 Cor 3.6) -- that I've done my duty. In fact, even when my ministry is booming and successful and people are flocking to be a part of it, I must recognize that I am still merely a servant who is maintaining a stewardship role -- I am
not something special (
Luke 17.9).
God doesn't
need me. He
chooses me.
This is as much humbling as it is encouraging. And humility is as big a deterrent to sin (
Jas 4.6) as pride is a catalyst for it (
Prov 16.18). God has purposely deigned to use me,
designed me in order to use me, despite my imperfections. Yet He could just as easily raise up another to take my place. When I see myself as a servant and a steward, then I lose any sense of entitlement over the work I'm doing. Furthermore, I can release my sinful anxiety over whether or not I'm doing it correctly.
God specifically employs weak vessels (1 Cor 1.28)
Again, humility plays a key role here.
God doesn't need Christians to be perfectly wise, dedicated, or ambitious. He just needs us to serve with humility and 100% devotion. That, of course, involves pursuing wisdom, being dedicated to the tasks He places before us, and being ambitious for the sake of the Kingdom. But we don't have to be
perfect.
We don't have to be perfect because Jesus lived perfectly on our behalf.
However, I should
strive to be perfect, because my heart's response to Jesus' humble sacrifice should be that of a bondservant: I recognize that He paid for a debt that I could never, ever repay, and so I give my life to Him in response.
Here's what you and I need to remember every single day: we are sinners who deserve all the wrath and fury of a holy God, but the grace of Jesus Christ has traded our bloodguilt for His righteousness, and God now considers us His own. For this reason, although we have a responsibility and an obligation as debtors to God's mercy to live in and pursue righteousness, we are not performing for a master who will remove His blessing if we fail. We are not living in such a way to demonstrate our good behavior. We are living to worship, to cultivate humble hearts that pursue after Him, that are quick to repent when error is committed, and who constantly express gratitude for the Savior's forgiveness.
The attitude we must cultivate is that of the tax collector in
Luke 18:
Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.
I don't know what you've done that makes you doubt your spiritual integrity, or maybe even the ability of God's grace to cover you. I don't know what regrets you carry over poor decisions you've made as a Christian.
The truth is, we all squander grace. We all devalue it. And so we need to recognize the ways in which we do this and learn to esteem it and its Giver properly.
But we also need to stop trying to atone for our own sins with guilt. Christ died once and for all, and His grace is sufficient to cover every single sin I have ever and will ever commit. Stop crucifying Him agin and again by living with your shame.
Instead, walk in the newness of life that He gives. Here's six practical steps to do that.
- Daily practice three R's: Replace, Re-Focus, Reveal.
- If you have not yet done so, take extensive measures to repent of your failure. This might require some incredibly uncomfortable conversations. This might mean the people you've harmed will be upset with you. That's okay -- confessing something you've hidden is like re-breaking a bone that healed incorrectly, so that it can mend (Psa 51.8). If Christ is worth pursuing (and He is), then you can handle that kind of radical transparency. This also means that you need to stop sinning. Easier said than done, certainly, but to continue justifying a sinful practice is to make no effort at repentance. The goal is change, not spiritual ease.
- Seek out accountability, even if you have resolved to "never do that again." We all need encouragement, even when we're walking well (Prov 27.17). It's the difference between finishing and excelling. This is not just a good idea -- it's essential. Spurring one another on to good works involves being real with one another (Heb 10.24).
- Don't think in terms of "I just want to get over this." God has called us to exercise constant spiritual vigilance (1 Pet 5.8). He didn't call us to live contented spiritual lives. Be willing to allow each day to be a tooth-and-nail battle with your flesh. God will be faithful to fight that battle with and for you. It's a good day when I desperately need Him.
- Refresh yourself in the person of God. Remember His divine attributes. Pray through David's Psalms of salvation and refuge. Know God intimately (Hos 6.3) His supreme worth will outweigh your sinful desires if you are willing to genuinely seek Him instead.
- Share your story. Don't be cloistered. Be transparent. This is hard. But doing so will encourage others as you yourself have needed encouragement. Confession is crucial for your own spiritual healing as well as that of others who might be struggling with the very same things (Jas 5.16).
~*~
If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
-- 1 John 1.8-9
