Overcoming Guilt and Walking in Grace

Something that still hits me hard is the knowledge that I've committed my most egregious acts of rebellion against God after my salvation.

Maybe some of you know the experience.  It's the "I should know better" conviction; the "How did I fall for that?" dilemma.  As a Christian -- with the power, love, mercy, grace, and person of Jesus Christ altogether at my immediate disposal -- how in the world did I succumb to that?

Shouldn't I be stronger than that?

This is probably a phenomenon most common with individuals like myself who grew up in Christian homes.  Maybe God got ahold of your heart as a small child, or maybe He opened your eyes to the stale, checklist faith you were living during your early teenage years (as He did me).  But maybe in your college years you sacrificed your virginity for a relationship that you thought was "the one."  Maybe you've hated another person so severely for something he/she did to you that you've even attempted to physically or psychologically harm that individual.  Maybe, like Peter, you've denied the name of Jesus Christ for the sake of your reputation.  Or maybe you suddenly found yourself in the midst of an extra-marital affair and couldn't even begin to untangle the strands of lies and justification you'd spun to cover your tracks.

Whatever your story, you know the power of guilt and shame and how they needle and accuse and undermine.  These are tools of Satan -- the Accuser.  They are fleshly emotions designed to force us into self-deception, causing us to doubt our status as once-and-for-all redeemed children of an all-loving God.

Conviction, on the other hand, is the influence of the Spirit.  Conviction is motivating.  It says, "I deliberately violated God's command.  I must confess this and make it right, NOW."

To feel guilty is to merely desire the restoration of my sense of moral rightness.

To feel shame is the inflated perception of my sin as it pertains to my character -- in other words, the haunting, prideful notion that others would discredit me if they only knew some of the decisions I've made.

To feel conviction is to dust myself off and say, "God still loves me and can use me, even though I still fail Him.  His grace still covers me.  In His power, let me make this right."

The progression of temptation is incredibly sneaky and requires a whole post to itself.  For the sake of this particular conversation, I simply want to discuss the unfortunate reality that Christians are susceptible to committing terrible sins -- that is, if they aren't careful to live in constant spiritual vigilance, daily crucifying the flesh for the sake of pursuing Christ.  To live in such a manner must be an intentional choice on the part of the believer, a choice to replace sinful desires with the overwhelming love and knowledge and surpassing worth of Jesus Christ.  I discussed this topic a little more fully here.

There are people who have incredibly compelling testimonies of the ways in which they squandered their years on pleasure and revelry, only to be seized by the grace of God and make an astonishing 180 degree turn.  It's easy to forgive and forget sins in your past that you committed prior to knowing Christ.  So if you're like me and you've had to walk through painful but liberating repentance for sins you've committed as a Christian, here are a couple things to remember and be encouraged by --especially if you wrestle with a nagging sense of spiritual inadequacy.

God forgives completely

Though I've violated His commands and spat in the face of His unmerited grace, if I've walked through repentance and come out on the other side worshiping Him anew for His great love and mercy, then I have absolutely no need to carry a sense of guilt.  There is no annual grace quota that I can somehow use up and then need to order a refill.  To the contrary, I can have complete and utter confidence in the steadfast character of the Lord's enduring mercy.  He delights when one of His children repents and returns to Him.

Godly sorrow leads to repentance (2 Cor 7.10), and it is always good to remember with deep gratitude the ways that God has repeatedly shown us grace and mercy despite our failures.  Guilt has no place in that equation: as a child of God, I am redeemed and I am forgiven.

For the sake of clarity, in no way am I implying that it's okay when we sin.  It's not.  We can't be flippant about our shortcomings and so devalue God's costly grace.  May it never be that we continue sinning carelessly because, in our arrogance, we assume God's grace will cover it (Rom 6.1-2).  The point is that, just as a loving father compassionately corrects his children when they make mistakes, so a loving and holy God does the same for His beloved.

For the sake of additional clarity, continuing in sin is not merely "making mistakes" that I can ignore, so long as I'm "trying" not to do them.  This falls into the same category of presuming upon God's grace.  I can't justify a pattern of sin in my life by saying, "Oh, I'm forgiven for that," without taking the necessary steps of repentance.  This too is devaluing the precious gift of grace.

God forgives completely -- there is no sin to big to be covered if we repent and surrender.  And if we repent and surrender, we are restored to His good favor.  The process is difficult and uncomfortable, and sinful choices often bring lasting consequences, but our God's forgiveness is healing and sustaining.

God chooses to use you, He doesn't need you

This might not seem encouraging at first glance, but it works wonders in humility for me: God does not need me to fulfill a given task or run a specific ministry.  His plan is not dependent upon me.  A mistake of mine is not enough to waylay His divine objectives.  This notion is encouraging because it removes the expectations we cast upon ourselves to be successful, productive, and even perfect Christians.

Granted, there are ways that I can and should measure whether or not the ministry I'm doing is effective, but when I recognize that I am merely a tool in the hands of a master craftsman, suddenly I don't need to lose sleep over my operative schedule or my lesson plan or my ministry model.  I can rest assured -- if I've put in the time to prepare and study and have surrendered the results to the one who truly gives the increase (1 Cor 3.6) -- that I've done my duty.  In fact, even when my ministry is booming and successful and people are flocking to be a part of it, I must recognize that I am still merely a servant who is maintaining a stewardship role -- I am not something special (Luke 17.9).

God doesn't need me.  He chooses me.

This is as much humbling as it is encouraging.  And humility is as big a deterrent to sin (Jas 4.6) as pride is a catalyst for it (Prov 16.18).  God has purposely deigned to use me, designed me in order to use me, despite my imperfections.  Yet He could just as easily raise up another to take my place.  When I see myself as a servant and a steward, then I lose any sense of entitlement over the work I'm doing.  Furthermore, I can release my sinful anxiety over whether or not I'm doing it correctly.

God specifically employs weak vessels (1 Cor 1.28)

Again, humility plays a key role here.

God doesn't need Christians to be perfectly wise, dedicated, or ambitious.  He just needs us to serve with humility and 100% devotion.  That, of course, involves pursuing wisdom, being dedicated to the tasks He places before us, and being ambitious for the sake of the Kingdom.  But we don't have to be perfect.

We don't have to be perfect because Jesus lived perfectly on our behalf.

However, I should strive to be perfect, because my heart's response to Jesus' humble sacrifice should be that of a bondservant: I recognize that He paid for a debt that I could never, ever repay, and so I give my life to Him in response.

Here's what you and I need to remember every single day: we are sinners who deserve all the wrath and fury of a holy God, but the grace of Jesus Christ has traded our bloodguilt for His righteousness, and God now considers us His own.  For this reason, although we have a responsibility and an obligation as debtors to God's mercy to live in and pursue righteousness, we are not performing for a master who will remove His blessing if we fail.  We are not living in such a way to demonstrate our good behavior.  We are living to worship, to cultivate humble hearts that pursue after Him, that are quick to repent when error is committed, and who constantly express gratitude for the Savior's forgiveness.

The attitude we must cultivate is that of the tax collector in Luke 18:

Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.

I don't know what you've done that makes you doubt your spiritual integrity, or maybe even the ability of God's grace to cover you.  I don't know what regrets you carry over poor decisions you've made as a Christian.

The truth is, we all squander grace.  We all devalue it.  And so we need to recognize the ways in which we do this and learn to esteem it and its Giver properly.

But we also need to stop trying to atone for our own sins with guilt.  Christ died once and for all, and His grace is sufficient to cover every single sin I have ever and will ever commit.  Stop crucifying Him agin and again by living with your shame.

Instead, walk in the newness of life that He gives.  Here's six practical steps to do that.

1. Daily practice three R's: Replace, Re-Focus, Reveal.
2. If you have not yet done so, take extensive measures to repent of your failure.  This might require some incredibly uncomfortable conversations.  This might mean the people you've harmed will be upset with you.  That's okay -- confessing something you've hidden is like re-breaking a bone that healed incorrectly, so that it can mend (Psa 51.8).  If Christ is worth pursuing (and He is), then you can handle that kind of radical transparency.  This also means that you need to stop sinning.  Easier said than done, certainly, but to continue justifying a sinful practice is to make no effort at repentance.  The goal is change, not spiritual ease.
3. Seek out accountability, even if you have resolved to "never do that again."  We all need encouragement, even when we're walking well (Prov 27.17).  It's the difference between finishing and excelling.  This is not just a good idea -- it's essential.  Spurring one another on to good works involves being real with one another (Heb 10.24).
4. Don't think in terms of "I just want to get over this."  God has called us to exercise constant spiritual vigilance (1 Pet 5.8).  He didn't call us to live contented spiritual lives.  Be willing to allow each day to be a tooth-and-nail battle with your flesh.  God will be faithful to fight that battle with and for you.  It's a good day when I desperately need Him.
5. Refresh yourself in the person of God.  Remember His divine attributes.  Pray through David's Psalms of salvation and refuge.  Know God intimately (Hos 6.3)   His supreme worth will outweigh your sinful desires if you are willing to genuinely seek Him instead.
6. Share your story.  Don't be cloistered.  Be transparent.  This is hard.  But doing so will encourage others as you yourself have needed encouragement.  Confession is crucial for your own spiritual healing as well as that of others who might be struggling with the very same things (Jas 5.16).

~*~

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

-- 1 John 1.8-9

Living and Active

In my youth group, we are currently teaching through the living and active qualities of the Word of God (as per Hebrews 4.12), and just this morning I was reminded of that very fact in my own personal study.  It's perhaps an ironic example of progressive sanctification: we never learn so much that we don't have any further to go, and often as I ponder teaching on a topic, I find myself needing the very instruction I intend to give.

As of this morning, I have a new life verse.  Job 27.6 says, "I hold fast my righteousness and will not let it go; my heart does not reproach me for any of my days."  Job, a man who was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but who had done nothing but pursue righteousness throughout his life, was forced to build a defense against his good-intentioned friends - friends who had heard of his calamity and unanimously decided that Job's personal wickedness had brought about his suffering.  Yet in the midst of his emotional, spiritual, and physical torment, Job famously blessed the name of the Lord and held fast to his innocence.

Reading that verse this morning, I pondered all of my failures just this week alone, and then the failures of my life as a whole, and I found myself thinking, "Wow, I wish that I could say that with the same conviction as Job."  Like Belshazzar, I've been weighed in the balances and found wanting.  But then I remembered that I can read this verse with conviction.  I don't need to build a defense against friends, family - anyone.  I stand redeemed by the saving work of Jesus Christ, and although I have failed time and again, I strive to glorify Him when He gives and when He takes away.  Job's claim to righteousness was not in anything he by himself had done, but in his ultimate desire to remain obedient to the Lord.  Likewise, I have no confidence in my own initiative.  My works of righteousness are nothing more than filthy rags if I count on them independently from Christ.  Furthermore, my failures are covered by His grace.

People always pull out that "no regrets, no consequences" mentality, encouraging others to live like there's no tomorrow.  But I want to live as though there is a tomorrow, a tomorrow where I can open the Word and reflect on the fact that I am consistently walking with Christ, and consistently pursuing righteousness.  I don't want to cram it all into one day because I've squandered yesterday and am worried I might not get another chance.  I don't just want to avoid regret.  I want a lifetime of days throughout which I can quote Job 27.6 with firm conviction - so that when there finally is no more tomorrow, I can stand before my Father and, instead of weeping for shame over of all my wasted opportunities, I can weep for joy instead, and boldly state, "My heart does not reproach me for any of my days."  More than anything else, I long to hear my Father welcome me into His kingdom with the proud words, "Well done, good and faithful servant.  Enter into the joy of your master."

That Crazy Lady

I came home from work today to find my wife's computer sitting out on the desk, along with a note that said something to the extent of “I was studying the Word this morning and felt convicted, so I had to write out my thoughts, please read.”  Curious, and steeling myself for the needling daggers of humbling conviction, I sat down and opened her computer.  Her thoughts (with permission) are as follows:

~*~

I met a crazy lady the other day, or so I thought. As I sat with a number of other women around a table, celebrating a soon-to-be wedding day, a woman I'd never met before was talking non-stop about Jesus. She began repeatedly expressing her love for Jesus and sharing in detail all the joy she received for being a child of His. I knew everything she was saying was true - things like “He is my protector,” “He is giving me the strength I need to get thru my husband’s death,” and “I told my son he needs to take his decision to go on the Jamaica Missions trip before the throne.” Jesus saturated her conversation. As I sat listening, knowing how true all this was yet hearing those around me agreeing with a chorus of vaguely uncomfortable “mmhmm’s,” I couldn’t help but wonder if they were thinking, as I was, that she was a little bit too extreme.

It wasn’t until today, two days later, that I realized how crazy I am for failing to see just how much I lack true joy. This woman knew how much God loves His children. She understood that His love is such that He was willing to give His only Son so that we, as sinful as we are, could come home and enjoy heaven with Him (John 3:16-17; Hebrews 10:12-14). She clung to the God who is so powerful that He took down kingdom after kingdom for His children, the Israelites, and who promises to be our strength and refuge today.

You see, there is this battle I fight, one we all probably fight. I want to be perfect and honor Jesus. A big part of that, for me, is spending quality time in the Word, daily. I know all I have to do is say no to watching that episode of my favorite TV show in order to get a few more moments to spend in study, but what do I do? Typically, I justify laziness as weariness and promise myself that I'll just do it another day or later.

Do I? Not usually.

How is it that something so amazing as spending time in the Word of God is such a struggle to pursue? Reading the redemption story is medicine for a bad day’s work. It is healing for drowning in the midst of a materialistic public which desires nothing more than getting everything it wants. It is comfort for a death in the family or the loss of a loved one. It is peace in the midst of battle with a life-changing disease. We face these things day after day, but instead of turning to the Word of God, what do we do to get us through? Cry? Vent on our newest social network? Complain to friends? Distract ourselves through various media and entertainment?

The truth is, the lady wasn’t crazy. We are - that is, those of us who restrict ourselves from glorifying our Lord and Savior the way she does by worshiping comfort and entertainment. We DO NOT give God the glory He deserves - the type of life-consuming adoration which He justly required of the Israelites and desires in His church. Knowing who He is and what He has done should make us drop to our knees to thank Him endlessly (Phil 2:10-11). Time and time again, despite our sinful pursuits, He forgives. I thought that woman was being a bit dramatic about how amazing God is and how powerful He is, but in reality we should be just as zealous (Isaiah 25:9).

~*~

There's nothing that I need to add. All that comes to mind is Psalm 8.3-5: “When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor.” We serve a God who deserves our zealous and passionate adoration, the kind which should consume every aspect of our lives, because He dotes upon us when we deserve nothing.

Of course, I'm also reminded of Proverbs 31.10 and 26: “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels... She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”

Gentlemen, listen when your wives share the convictions of their hearts. Chances are, you've got some changing to do too.